Your Mom Dot Com

Dear Me two days ago at Trader Joe’s,

I wanted to write this letter to let you know that you’re doing an incredible job with this crazy motherhood thing. You’re beautiful and loved. Also, you should’ve gotten more sweet things while you were at Trader Joe’s.

When I think back to all the time that has past since you went to Trader Joe’s two days ago, I can’t help but stand back in awe. The duvet cover from Amazon arrived. I went to the office. The kids put stickers on a lampshade. While all this was happening, there haven’t been any sweets in the house, not even a granola bar or something. I wish I knew then what I know now: It’s very easy to just reach up and grab a box of Joe-Joe’s.

Do you think you’re better than that? Or am I misremembering your physical ability to extend your shoulders, raise your arm, and grip a box?

As I look in the mirror, I see a woman who is not older, but wiser. Stronger. My hair is in the later stages of a blow dry, when, back then, it was freshly blow dried. My nails are a fifth of a millimeter longer. My eyes, once big and dewy and open to aisles of endless sugary possibilities, now flicker with rage when I think about how there’s nothing fun to eat in the house.

I know what you’re thinking: “I’m not going to buy sweets. This week I’m going to eat healthier. I’ll substitute coconut flake chips for cookies.” You know what’s not cookies? Coconut flake chips. Besides, (spoiler!) you end up eating the whole bag on the drive home.

I really want to be able to tell you that things get better since your trip to Trader Joe’s, but honestly, they don’t. Two nights on the couch watching TV without dessert. Scrounging for old, crusty semi-sweet chocolate chips in the abandoned baking cabinet. Hammering rock hard chunks of brown sugar into inedible bites. You thought you’d be a person that can make do with a splash of grapefruit in sparkling water, but instead, you’re a person who eats (wait for it) Valentine’s Day hearts.

If I could tell you, my younger self from two days ago at Trader Joe’s, just one thing, it would be this: This is not the life you want. And the dog ahs already ruined the duvet cover.