Your Mom Dot Com

We are creatures of the home. On a typical weekday, my husband works at a desk in the bedroom, I do the baby thing in the living room, and Banjo sleeps across the pillows on our bed. We’ve managed this situation in our small-ish apartment for about a year now, which is a testament to how well we get along and how much dog hair we’re capable of ingesting in our sleep.

This degree of intimacy with our domicile means that we are in tune with everthing that’s going on around us: the screech of bus brakes at the stop out front, the air conditioning cycle, the ice maker crashing.  I know when the next door neighbors are running the shower or doing their dishes. Does this mean that they, in turn, could hear the hours and hours of baby waiting unleashed by my daughter during the ole sleep training days? I don’t know. I actively avoid them in the hallway.

But no sounds are as ingrained in our pysche as the ones made by the technology that buzzes all around us. In the early days of middle-of-the-night feedings, I would drag myself from the bedroom to the nursery, only to be blinded by the amount of electronic light in the living room and kitchen. Naturally, I have my favorite and least favorite household technology noises. Wanna know what they are? Here’s a list, ranked from best to worst (including what I believe they are saying to me):

1. “Coffee is Ready!!”

This is a really soft, understated triple-beep from our fancy coffee maker (it grinds beans in addition to brewing them, but I don’t want to make a big deal out of it). Not only is the beep pleasing in its muted simplicity, but it also means that coffee is ready! I love coffee. It’s like socially acceptable drugs. Wanna get your brain all raged out at 7am? Sure! More than coffee, I love that I made it myself, at home. I’ve spent my entire coffee-drinking adulthood getting all raged out at a Starbucks. Now I make it myself. I make my own drugs, right here in my kitchen. Every morning. THANKS, DRUGS!

2. “Baby Monitor Is Dying and Your Child Is AT RISK”

I have to appreciate this one. With a newborn, it would be scary to go look at the monitor and realize that the screen has gone completely black. Therefore, most models give you a stern beep as a warning to go charge the device. I’ve let this beep go on before – I was watching tv, knew the baby was ok, and didn’t want to make the trek to the other room. The beeps get more fervent and panicky as time goes by. I imagine if you actually let it finish, the monitor would explode and the baby’s crib would be blasted onto a Summer Infant spaceship. I wouldn’t know though, because I can’t see what’s going on in the nursery!

3. The Food in the Microwave is Done! I SAID THE FOOD IN THE MICROWAVE IS DONE! IT’S STILL DONE!

I strongly dislike the second beep that goes off 15 seconds after the initial one. Frankly, its attitude is pushy, and I don’t like it one. bit. 

4. I’m The F’ing Dryer and I Need to Be HEARD LIKE NOW

I don’t even know how to begin to describe how much I hate the announcement that the dryer is finished. My face is getting hot just thinking about it. It’s not even a beep; it’s air-horn-level loud without any of the excitement or intrigue of a potato sack race. Like, here’s a noise that is so loud that it wakes the baby and the only thing it’s telling us is “time to fold stuff…you know…whenever you get a chance…or whatever.”

The dryer is the worst one, right? Am I missing any?