When the baby was about six weeks old, I rested my head on my pillow only to find that it had been aggressively peed on. Like any other dazed new mom, I assumed that it was yet another bodily fluid that leaked out my body, so I flipped the pillow and went to sleep.
Now, four months later, I’m going to reopen the case and figure out who peed on my pillow. Honestly, I think it was our two year old dog Banjo. I know, I know what you’re thinking: He’s too sweet to have done something so cruel! Or, there’s no way a dog that ripped all the tassels off my mother’s fancy living room cushions could ever do anything destructive towards a pillow! But hear me out. The perpetrator couldn’t have been the baby because 1. she wears a diaper, and 2. she is not a dog. Nor could it have been my husband because 1. he pees in the toilet and 2. he is not a dog. And while my bladder control hasn’t been at “Age 28” level these days, I certainly did not pee on my own pillow. Also, I am not a fucking dog.
Unfortunately, the case against Banjo is stacked pretty high. Here’s the evidence I’ve been able to scrape together:
1. He’s Very Interested in Pillows
This is supported by the aforementioned tassel incident. Ever since we adopted Banjo, he has wanted nothing but the utmost of comforts. This has meant that, much to our dismay, he ends up spending a great deal of time not only on our bed, but up by the pillows. It should be noted that his recreational pillow activity – sleeping, playing with dog toys, chewing on the pillowcase – takes place 100% of the time on my husband’s side, which leads me to believe he saves his more nefarious activities for my side. We’re not proud of this behavior at all, but it’s not our fault that dogs are the least likely creatures in the animal kingdom to respond to moderate and consistent training.
2. He Has Peed in the House Before
Banjo was only six months old when we got him. While he is totally house-trained now, he is closely familiar with the concept of peeing inside of the home.
3. He Was Mad at Me
The baby had just started smiling socially. This meant that my interest in her went from “Ok, Sure” to “I’m Intrigued!” while my interest in Banjo plummeted from “Obsessed 24/7” to “Obsessed 23.5/7.” That’s a tough pill for a dog to swallow, even if it’s smushed inside a softball of shredded cheddar cheese. Clearly, Banjo’s tiny dog brain could only think of one solution to this crisis: Must. Pee. Pee. On. Peewo.
4. The Pillow Smelled Like Dog Pee
I have since sent the pillow down the trash chute, but at the time it really smelled like dog pee. You know, the kind of urine only excreted from a creature that exclusively consumes water and dog food. Also an animal who uses urine to mark territory and lacks any human sensibilities.
As a punishment for his crime, Banjo’s bed time will be limited to only 14 hours a day and he will be inundated with thousands of Mommy Hugs and Kisses until he starts to understand that what he did to mommy’s pillow four months ago wasn’t not a bad thing that he maybe shouldn’t not think about not doing again! I think he gets it!!!!!